Advice from health scientist Luc Deliens: Prepare for the goodbye as well as possible

Luc Deliens: 'There are several ways we can support each other in these difficult times'

The anti-corona measures the government has adopted have also altered how we can say goodbye to loved ones, making the grieving and mourning process that much harder for those left behind. There are nevertheless several ways we can support each other in these difficult times, says health scientist Luc Deliens.

Luc Deliens is a professor of palliative care research at the End-of-Life Care Research Group of the VUB and Ghent University, as well as the VUB’s interdisciplinary Expertise Centre Compassionate Communities. He is specialised in advanced care planning, palliative care and medical end-of-life decisions. We asked him for recommendations for how to mourn and how to help others mourn in these difficult times.

1. Try to discuss as many decisions as possible before a loved one dies

Discuss any end-of-life decisions with the person with corona symptoms, and discuss any hospitalisation and medical decision preferences with their GP. Carefully keep up with their medical condition, and discuss who should be kept informed and who invited to visit in the final hours. Try to be there when the person dies. It’s important to be able to consciously say goodbye to someone who’s going to die, and it’s also something that gives strength after they’ve passed away. 

2. Seek advice on funeral-related matters, for instance, from an undertaker

Preparing for a funeral is a complex process that takes up a lot of time and that should be handled meticulously. Agree with family and friends to divide the tasks and to support each other emotionally. Don’t hesitate to ask for help.

3. Take good care of yourself

Don’t become socially isolated; seek out contact with others. Talking about the person who died, revisiting your memories of them and your relationship can be a great source of support. Don’t hesitate to ask your GP, a therapist or care organisation for advice. And don’t forget to look after your physical health by eating healthily and regularly exercising. Also try to explain as precisely as possible how those around you can help.

4. Help someone who is in mourning by listening and by offering concrete help

Actively listen when someone who’s mourning wants to talk, and give them the time and space to do so at their leisure. State and demonstrate that you are always available if they want to talk further. You can also offer practical help, but don’t make any vague promises. Be specific and for instance offer to walk the dog or to do groceries.

5. Respect the wishes of those who are grieving

Don’t get angry or emotional if a colleague, friend or relative doesn’t want to talk about their mourning process. But don’t avoid them either. And refrain from saying clichéd things like: “I know how you feel,” or: “You’ll get through this.”

What have the past few weeks been like for you?

“When someone who we’re close to dies, we mourn. Everyone experiences final goodbyes differently and everyone has their own way of their grieving. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ mourning process. The loss and mourning of someone is always something that impacts us deeply. But due to the anti-corona measures, that loss and mourning experience has become even more difficult now that some people aren’t able to properly say goodbye to a loved one who dies in the hospital, and now that funerals can’t proceed the way they normally would.”